Tuesday, March 20, 2012

My Not So Secret Additction (again)

Grumbling loudly, she rolls over sending her feet hurtling toward the floor. OUCH! Walking to the bathroom, she thought, is just so pedestrian and simply will not do today - the ache of age was settling nicely into her joints, living there rent free and multiplying like bunnies. Stupid old bones. So, She reached for her fairy wings and slipped them on over her head. Fluttering down the hallway she becomes intimate with the corner of the wall, which sends her ricocheting down the hall, colliding with ALL the walls - Melissa, the human pinball. Flying and early mornings do not mix, who's genius idea was it to put the coffee maker in the kitchen and not next to the bed? Coffee, that was her mission. Peeing could wait, first...turn on the machine to heat the water...

Oops, my bad...I forgot I'm spending the day in the real world. Let's start again...

Hello, my name is Melissa and I am a card addict.

Yes, I KNOW I've already written about this, duh...I'm the one that wrote it! But it bears repeating (because I have nothing else to write about.)

You saw, in this post, how many cards I already have...well, had. Five of them went to good homes and I miss them terribly.

Then, there was yesterday...when I went to Trader Joe's.  Here's what happened:

Clerk: [picks up 5 cards] "So, you like our cards, huh?"

Me: Are you really expecting some sort of witty repartee, Captain Obvious, after ending your statement with, "huh"? Is that part of your TJ's customer service training?
What I really said: Yes! You guys have the best cards. [smile]

Clerk: "And for only .99 cents!"

Me: Such a deal. [commences with staring off into space]

Clerk: "Oh...look [picks up 5 more cards], you've got more."

Me: "Yeah, wee bit of an addiction."

Clerk: "Well, cards aren't so bad.  Could be worse, you could be addicted to..."

Me: [waits patiently while clerk tries to think of something witty]

Clerk: "...those little umbrellas."

Me: [blinking rapidly - thinking, "really?"] Right! Or, rather...the drink the umbrella sits in.

Clerk: [giggles - YES - giggles. My wit, just can't contain it]

Clerk: "Oh, wow...look, MORE cards. They're just sort of layered in here [in the basket].You must have kept going back."

Me: No, dude...you guys have them all over the store! It's rather dangerous, 'because I'm not paying attention to my cart driving since I'm scanning the shelves for those little card holders. You are putting toes and the occasional Achilles heel in jeopardy. Just sayin'...

Clerk: [pulls out yet more cards] "Wow, you ARE a serious wackadoodle collector." {his mouth said collector, but his eyes said "make one false move lady and I push the secret button under the register"}.

I walked out of the store 20 cards richer, and $20 poorer. Money cannot buy you happiness, but it can sure buy things that make you happy!

Oh, let's keep this between us...don't tell Hubbypants or he'll insist on supervised Trader Joe's visits from now on. And really, let's be honest here...it is all Trader Joe's fault. If they would just get ugly cards then there wouldn't even be an issue. I don't like to point fingers, but there ya go. This isn't really a suggestion either, because there isn't anywhere else I can go to get great cards for just .99 cents. If Trader Joe's suddenly starts getting an influx of crappy cards, well...I can't be held responsible for the whirling dervish of a hissy fit I'mma gonna throw.

You've been warned, Trader Joe'...you've been warned. *stern eyebrows*

What do you collect? 
What is it that you are always on the lookout for?

You have to admit, I'm on to something with the coffee maker in the bedroom. Right?

I'm gonna need a bigger card box.

O.M.G. I've got some really awesome friends volunteering for guest posts AND an artist friend who is going to send me pictures of her work. I'm spreading the love...the disease free kind!! Stay tuned!!


  1. LOL! I pick up cards when ever we are on vacation. I was going through them the other day and thinking of framing some of the more funky ones for wall art.

  2. So am I to assume that you got no friends to send emz to huh? Or do ya just get em 'cos they iz kinda cute an stuff? (Imagine the accent of the guy in the movie 'home alone')(Get ya no good keister off my property before i countz ta ten. Ten (bang) (gunshot rings out))

    Me I collectz books. I ain't ever gonna have time ta read em all eiver cos iz too buzy all da time. So like ya uver honey Dat Jane wize ass... Iz bin givin em da big send off to da readin room in da skyze. (a.k.a my frendz)

    Hope this made you laugh too if you could decifer all the stilted accents.

    Ha ha ha...


  3. I collect office supplies. But you probably knew that.
    Your post gave me funny flashbacks of SNL's Terrrgit lady!

  4. As a proud recipient of one of those sacred cards, shoosh you, Alienbody's Hubbypants! That there is $20 of pure joy your girl is spreading around the world!

    Also, yeah, nosy checkout clerk, it's not the RUM I'm addicted to, it's the umbrella *rolling eyes*. Really?! Who collects those silly umbrellas, for crying out loud?!

  5. And this just inspired my guest post for you! Keep an eye out - it's on its way!!