Just Breathe

Little She knelt beside Big She, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier."

Big She cupped Little She's chin in her hand, "I love you immensly. No matter what I yell at you or what you hear...I love you more than I love breathing."

"Hey, you'll give me a double chin", said Little She with a touch of sass, but without pulling away.

A brief moment shared between mom and daugther, a quick communication to affirm that what lay ahead will always be buffered with love and, hopefully, humor.

The small moments are, sometimes, when we hope to communicate the largest of messages.

I love you, Little She...with everything I have, everything I am and everything I will be. I love you and we'll get through this.

Take my thoughts, Please!

There are just so many things in my head, so I'll dump a few of them here.

1) BlogHer, you're killin' me...please, for the love of Pete...notify the volunteers you selected for BlogHer'13. I've got no nails left, having bitten them to the core in anticipation.

2) I need easy to use (free is good, too) software that will allow me to build a customer tracking database.

3) Why, dear all that is holy, did my mother never tell me that copious amounts of hair could grow On.My.Toes! Seriously, do I need to tip the person who does my pedicure extra if she also braids my toe knuckle hair? What if I add beads?

4) Wanted: Ideas for a Blog Post. Will pay top dollar! And by "top dollar", I mean I'll be your BFF. 

5) If one is expecting a call to arrange an appointment for...say...emergency plumbing service, what sort of logic does one employ that compels one to give a contact phone number checked, like...maybe...once a day...if that?

6) When buying a hybrid, please...PLEASE...buy a model with a gas pedal.

7) The next person who makes me miss a left turn light because they are trying to perform a u-turn, but instead turns it into 12 point turn, because they can't put their fucking phone down, will find themselves cursed to an eternity of anal warts!

8) The world isn't "...coming to..." anything. There has always been evil, violence, hate and destruction of epic levels. Go read a history book. By that very logic...there is an equally epic opportunity for goodness, fairness, kindness and hope.

9) Why the HELL can't Facebook get it through their thick skull that I just want to change my profile picture and that I do NOT want to broadcast said picture to all my friends timelines as well. Just change the picture...that's it. Sheesh!

10) Let's say I were traveling to Chicago this summer and didn't want to carry a laptop, but instead wanted some sort of tablet - what kind should I get? And why?

11) I don't think my cats like their new food. They feel the need to express that dissatisfaction at 5:00 a.m. feeding time by meowing incessantly afterward. They do NOT seem to feel the same at 5:00 p.m. feeding time. On an unrelated note, anyone in need of 3 cats?

12) Step away from the "share" button - just don't. And if you must, at least read it first. OMG, people. OH..EHM..GEEE.

p.s. This post has been brought to you by the letter 'B' for 'B'itchy and 'B'ossy.
p.p.s. I do believe I've expelled a good majority of my PMS angst.
p.p.p.s. Please excuse me while I go shave my toes.
p.p.p.p.s. Oh, like you've never.
p.p.p.p.p.s. You'd think after Midol, 3 glasses of wine and Rocky Road ice cream I'd have a much cheerier disposition.
p.p.p.p.p.p.s. You'd be wrong.
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. This post was also brought to you by the letter 'P' for 'P'hooey.
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Ha! I bet you thought I was going to use a different word. Like, 'P'fft.
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s.  STOP LOOKING FOR MORE POSTSCRIPTS, I'M OUT OF IDEAS!!

And Now She Brings Home the Bacon

Have you ever had one of those, "This is the beginning of the rest of my life moments?"

Yeah, me either.

But, just recently I HAVE had a, "This could very well be the next major step in rounding a bend toward a few pretty freakin' gnarly moments...dude."

It all started with a simple text message that read, "Want a part time job?"

And so, here I am, an employed woman. In fact, in the last two weeks I've managed not to set fire to or destroy anything major, nor have I screwed up anything significant yet. This is pretty epic...the not screwing stuff up part. The being employed thing is pretty cool, too!

I know y'all have been anxious to hear about it, so...

I'm providing office support for a small, but extremely busy, plumbing & construction company in the process of growing their business. They use the term "office manager", I use "office support", because the former just smacks of professional and responsible...terms I should probably look up some day, but they just SOUND scary.

My boss is the fiancé of a friend of mine, who I also get to work with. It's a good thing I like her and enjoy her company! She's working on business development and together we're transitioning a business run by a single person, from his home and truck, into a business office. For the most part it's just the two of us, sometimes just me. The space is great with oodles of potential lurking in the corners. My boss(es) want to immerse themselves in the community to form relationships with neighboring businesses. Since this just so happens to be MY community (I live a mere 2 miles from work)...I like that a lot.

I'm already emotionally invested in this job. I want this venture to succeed. I want the job to evolve in a way  I find interesting and exciting. I want their vision for the business to come to fruition. I want them to start flipping houses so I can be part of that too...wait, that's just my own personal fantasy. Never mind...

I want...I want...I want...(just ask Hubbypants, I say it a lot...)


But...I'm a little (read A LOT) nervous. I'm afraid my poor memory will be a nuisance (despite my compulsively writing detailed notes on every damn piece of paper I touch). I worry about my lack of technical skills or general business knowledge  - despite being something I can learn, I feel disabled not having the skill base right now. Mostly, I worry that the part of my 'working outside of the home' brain that went dormant 15 years ago will remain sleepy and sluggish.

And yet, I'm thrilled to be working, regardless of the fears. I look forward to Mondays. Hey, I see you giving me stern eyebrows...yeah, I said it...I DON'T HATE MONDAYS! That isn't to say I like my weekends going so quickly, I'm not completely insane yet...so, you can put down whatever it is you were going to throw at me.

This is such an exciting time for me and the business I'm helping to grow. It's going to get (hopefully) extremely busy and my goal will be to minimize the pains that always plague growth. I've got a bazillion thoughts racing through my head at any given time, even weekends, vying for my attention. I really need to break out the steel bristled brush and aggressively scrub away the rust from my brain. I can do this, I can!

So, stay tuned for more adventures from our intrepid heroine as Melissa - The Journey of a Thousand Thoughts: Phase One plays out.

Wish me luck!

p.s. Please feel free to offer support and advice.
p.p.s. Also accepting gifts of chocolate and wine, for moral support through this new life transisition.
p.p.p.s. And by wine I mean whiskey. The big bottle. Costco carries it.
p.p.p.p.s. Y'all are the bestest most supportingest peeps evah! 

Adapting a Dream

When it comes to dreams, I have oodles. I'm full to over flowing with them, so much so that they're seeping out of my ears.

Recently I've started working a few, but so many more have been filed away for "some day".

One of my dreams is to have an epic road trip. I want to drive across the country and set my feet in every state, seeing the vast countryside at ground level instead of 30,000 feet in the air.

I realize the hazards, much of which is boredom...long, long strips of road over flat, scenery starved terra firma. But, I want to see it all - the beautiful AND mundane.

Another dream is to attend BlogHer'13 in Chicago.  I'm going to be right up front and say that the biggest reason I want to go is to personally hug and hang out with women I've become friends with through blogging, specifically via BlogHer. Learning something new to improve my blogging is a close second.

So, when I wrote about my crazy idea to have a car company sponsor a road trip that would take me from my home in NorCal to Chicago, it was me attempting to fulfill two biggies.

And, when that same post received attention from someone that could possibly make that dream a reality, well...it felt within reach, even if it was a remote possibly.

Another dream of mine is to find a career. I don't have a burning desire to do anything in particular. While I have a blog, I'm not sure that blogging - as a career - is my thing. Even if it were, I don't see myself making much of an income from it.

So, when a friend asked if I'd be interested in an entry level job, something to ease me back into the world of working people, how could I not jump on it?

The job sounds right up my alley. I'd also be working with someone I like, in an environment that sounds (and looks) fantastic, with a ground floor opportunity to grow and develop the job into something more. Not only that, but the business wants to immerse itself into my community through events and general involvement. What'd I tell ya - hard to ignore such an opportunity, am I right?

And here is where dreams collide.

A cross country road trip, even if I were only going so far as Chicago, would take at least 3-ish days each way. The conference, should I be accepted as a volunteer, is roughly 4 days (including training time, travel, etc). Expecting such a journey to be any shorter than 10 days is deliriously optimistic. It would be more like a full two weeks.

I don't know if the job is mine yet. I have another person to meet, someone I'd need to work closely with - so, we need to see if he'll think I'm a good fit...and, honestly...if he even likes me.  However, if this DOES come through then I need to put my dream of a road trip on the back burner. While I'm comfortable being up front with my plans to attend BlogHer'13 in July (and, it sounds as if it would be fine on their end as well), I am NOT comfortable leaving for 2 weeks after just being with the company after 4 short months.

When I started to ponder the intricacy of traveling cross country, I realized how much more would be involved. Traveling by air would be a fraction of the cost. Driving involves gas, accommodations, food - all of it adding up. And, that's just for the trip to and from. It does NOT include accommodations I'd need AT the conference.

Reality not only set it, it dug in with sharp talons! In order to afford such a trip, I'd need multiple sponsorships. Multiple sponsorships requires research, planning, calling, contacting - WORK.

All of which is a possibly.

Unless...I was working. Then, not so much.

There are people who could make this happen, but I'm not one of them. I can't manage a job and devote the hours necessary to arranging sponsorships.

And here, in the spot where dreams collide, is where they adapt.

I'm not giving up a cross country dream...nope, never. What I am doing is looking at what path will help me fulfill more of my dreams - I think a job would do that more than a road trip will. And, the epic road trip dream isn't a bust. With any luck, and careful maintenance on my part, I'll live many more happy and healthy years to fulfill this dream later on. 

I'm in limbo right now, but I'll know soon enough if they want me. I'll keep my options for soliciting sponsors open, just in case. After all, there is no limit to how often we can adapt our dreams!

A View From the Top

While walking a hilly neighborhood with Hubbypants tonight we chatted about a trail booklet he received from our county parks system.

To my surprise, the trails we've walked recently were rated strenuous.

Really? I've been walking strenuous hills?

Hot damn, I'm a rock star!

Well, maybe like the D list version of rock stardom.

I'm sure there are plenty of hikers and exercise enthusiast who would snort while "pfft"ing over the rating, thinking it more of a brisk stroll.

But those naysayers can't take away my zen...they can't take away the fact that I've stood on the top of my own personal mountain.

A year ago Hubbypants and I started walking Communications Hill, a community near us with two pretty significant hills. The first time we walked them together I knew death was imminent. At the very least, I wanted it to claim me so the pain in my lungs would cease.

When I got to the point of walking the hill without an ambulance following close behind, we tackled the stairs...almost 300 of them. They never got easy, but the did get easier.

Then, we expanded our walk to include the other hill...the steeper one. Two hills, one walk...please let the paramedic look like George Clooney.

But, I never needed a paramedic. I went from stopping a couple of times up the BIG hill, gasping for breath...readY to keel over, to continually increasing my pace, stopping less and less and then...the biggest win of all...doing the whole thing with no stops. Not only that, but I can now hold a conversation all the way up AND my recovery time when we reach the top is practically instantaneous.

I am not at my peak fitness level. I don't even know what that might look like, nor if I'll ever achieve it.

But, right here...right now? I've reached an endurance level I never thought possible at this point in my life. I'm still 60+ pounds overweight and hauling every last ounce of it toward the sky.

I can't describe how it feels to turn around to see your car sitting there in the parking lot several hundred feet below you, looking like something from a Matchbox toy collection.

I never thought I'd hike over 6 miles in a day. But, I did it twice in one weekend. 

I never thought I'd reach the top of a steep hill and think, "That's it? Oh...that wasn't so bad".

Some of those hills still kick my ass and I have a stream of obscenities coursing through my head as I'm walking up them. I know I've reached a new level of fitness when I can leap straight up in the air and OVER a snake slithering across the trial without stepping on it. That, my friends, is a feat I never would have dreamed possible after already walking up some really steep hills. But, it happened just last weekend.

But when I finally get to the top? It's transforming in a way I can't describe.

It burns. It hurts. It makes you want to kill the person who talked you into doing the hike.

But...when you've convinced yourself that you'll never accomplish such a thing only to find yourself the master of that task - standing on top of it - you feel as if all those other walls you've created to corral other parts of your life are not as solid as they seem. They are merely doors with knobs that just need you to turn them and walk through to a whole new level of you.

Some of you will read this and think, "There is NO WAY IN HELL I can walk up a hill, on a trail, in the woods." Yeah, you and me both. I'm not just saying that...it really was me, Hubbypants can attest to that. but, that's o.k. Your door may not look like mine. Your path may not have rocks and snakes. Those walls you think are 10 feet thick and made of brick? Look closer...they are like a Hollywood movie set. They're merely an optical illusion. It's your movie, you're the director. Where is it going to lead you?

Guardedly Grateful

NaBloPoMo day 11 and I'm hanging on by the hair on my chinny chin chin!

It's been a pretty amazing month so far. Actually, I can pinpoint it down to a pretty amazing week.

Why has it been great? Because...

1. I achieved a 28 pound weight loss.
2. Having my big crazy idea post recognized by someone who could actually make that crazy idea a reality. 
3. Having my red lipstick post featured on BlogHer and spread across the interwebz by readers and friends.
4. Having a friend tell me that same post is worthy of submitting to BlogHer's Voices of the Year.
5. Having a friend contact me about a potential part time job that sounds right up my alley. 

These may not seem like a big deal to some, but they are huge to me - especially 3 and 4. Specifically, because they involve something I created, so extremely personal. And, while #1 is awesome, it has left me pantsless, #2 still requires me to pitch my crazy idea (something I'm not entirely sure how to do) and #5 is just a matter of figuring out if it will work for both parties (fingers crossed).

I lead a wonderful life. I cannot tell you how fortunate I am to have the family, friends and lifestyle I have. I am astoundingly blessed.

But, those things I mentioned above? They come after a dry spell of feeling...well, like I've been in some cryogenic freeze waiting for that vague future that holds a cure for my inability to decide what I'd like to do with the rest of my life.

This past week made me feel charmed, as if I've rounded a bend and I'm now racing down the block with direction - actually knowing where I'm going. How could I not, with all those things happening at once. Weird, if you ask me.

So, it may not surprise you much to hear that I wonder if I'm dying.

I'll wait until you're done snorting and rolling your eyes at me.

Finished?

Think about it:

Just before my thyroid cancer surgery and treatment I was --->this<--- close to getting my A.A. degree from a local community college. I wasn't entirely sure what career I was heading toward, but I was enjoying the process and thinking of the next step.

And now, two years layer, I'm still in a state of limbo. Not just limbo, but complete disinterest in going back to school. It's a funk that settled after surgery that hasn't lifted. I've tried crawling out of it, but I keep getting sucked in (much like being pulled into Hell by invisible Hell Hounds - I *may* have watched too many episodes of Supernatural with my daughter). I keep thinking I can do something creative, I've got at least a finger full of creativity in me. Then, I think..."Meh, not so much". This up and down is making me dizzy, which is hazardous when my thyroid medication already makes my head spiny sometimes. Weeee.....

It isn't just this situation. It's a lifetime of things going really well with opportunities waiting in the wings that just fizzled. So, when thrilling things happen, I start to wonder when that hammer is going to beat me back to reality.


Let's just say that I'm so thankful for everything that happened this week, especially after such a rocky start to the new year (that's a WHOLE other post). But, I'm guarded...and checking my body for strange lumps and bumps and marks...just in case.

 Come on, wouldn't you be skeptical, too? 

Have you ever felt like this?

The Perfect Shade

My exhaustion is exhausted. 

I'm too tired to write, but the NaBloPoMo beast must be fed. 

So, I'll leave you with this - the perfect shade of red (so far). 

This is totally going with me to Chicago...(fingers crossed).

SMOOOOOCH!