Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking. How can someone so scattered, disorganized and so good at procrastination step up to the plate and do what needs to be done? How can I get all those sparkly swirly thoughts to funnel into one coherent idea? How can I convince myself that I am good enough, smart enough and articulate enough to harness those thoughts, draw out their essence and mold it into words? There is a crevice between my brain and my mouth and the words sort of fall into the abyss. Sometimes it is so cavernous that even if a few of those words crawl out of the darkness they can't find their way to my typing fingers.
I refuse to give up and I refuse to be intimidated by my 20 year absence from education. But, some days I just wish it were not such a struggle and that I didn't feel that I needed to accomplish it all, right now. I wish that I didn't feel like quiting when things get tough or scary or when I didn't get enough acknowledgement. I wish I didn't feel like I needed medication to help me focus and keep up my spirits. I wish that I'd stop 'wishing' and just start doing. In the end, I will accomplish my task and then climb the walls awaiting the critique...only to repeat the whole process anew.