Next week marks the 6th month anniversary of my foray into the No Longer A Stay At Home Mom arena.
I'm not sure what I expected from the part time, a few days/hours a week, job offered to me so many months ago. The friend who presented it has an All Knowing Eye - in that she predicted the job evolving into full time and beyond.
She was right.
We're busy. We aren't just busy, we're over busy. Not only are we over busy, we're launching a new company - yeah, we're THAT kind of busy.
And, I wasn't prepared to like my job as much as I do. It's kind of annoying, y'all. Really.
It's so much simpler when you can go into the office, do whatever needs doing and whatever "doing's" you don't get to...meh...they can wait, after all...I'm just an employee.
Am I right? That's simple shit right there...easy peasy.
But, what happens when you like that job? What happens when you care whether things get done? What happens when it makes you feel all hivey and agitated when you can't get around to calling people back rigth away? What happens when all that drives you into working overtime - overtime that you feel guilty billing for (which you often don't, because you've lots track of the hours you work) because you KNOW that expanding a business and launching a business take oodles of money?
Yeah, you suddenly find yourself NOT just an employee, but an investor (not monetarily, but emotionally).
I attended training this past week to learn an accounting program we'll use to track both businesses. Sitting in a room full of people who were much more knowledgeable is sobering. I started thinking about all the books I need to read and classes I need to take to be the Office Manager they need and deserve, all of which I don't see myself as currently.
This is all related to my own ongoing self esteem and confidence issues, to be sure. However, you can't fault my logic. They could have done better hiring someone else, because there is always someone out there who is just 'more' of what you are. And, this is my blog so I can purge all of my feelings here...so there.
What they did get in me is someone who cares. I care about where money is being spent, even though I'm terrible with budgets, math and numbers - I want to learn not to be. I care when I screw something up, even when my boss says it's okay - it bothers me to the point of dreaming about it, or worse...laying awake running over every detail. I care that I can't complete all the tasks every day that need completing, I care that some customers get pissed off (every business has this, no matter how great...but I still care). I'm thrilled when we win bids, even though I tremble in my shoes thinking about how we'll manage it and whether I'm organized enough to handle it. I'm THRILLED when checks come in. And I feel protective - of my boss, of the business...all of it.
I'm trying to figure out my place. Those books and classes I mentioned? I don't know whether to take the leap and start learning ALL THE THINGS, because I don't know what my bosses have in mind for me. Do I have 'a place' and should I stick to it? Or, do I do what comes natural to me and just sort of insinuate myself into the fray? Do I just go out and learn ALL THE THINGS (as is my inclination) with the anticipation they'll need me to posses those skills? Or, do I do it with the intent that if I move on at some point I'll have the skills to do so? And, when will I find time to learn ALL THE THINGS...or the energy?
I answer to more than just one person now, too. With the new company launching, there are 3 bosses. My skin prickles and ignites when I think about not letting just one person down, but 3! I have no idea how they see me occupying space in their future vision of the company. I'm pretty sure they don't either, it's all so new.
I like the feeling of being part of something that is growing wings and talking flight. I'm anxious for organization and a direct vision on how tings are going to work - I need definition on what my role is going to be. The problem is, it is still evolving - the ducks are being put in rows, the chickens are being counted before they are hatched...all those things that small businesses must do to get off the ground. It's exciting and frustrating and thrilling and just thinking about it now is causing a hot flash - cue tingling skin and hives!
So, there you have it. All this is why I'm not writing much....or at all, really. All of this is why I'm not as active on Facebook or why I haven't picked up a book in months or why feel sort of paralyzed.
My goal, for the next 6 months is to figure out what role I'll be playing in my professional life - because I have to own that, at least.
My goal, for the next 6 months is to figure out what personal goals I want to accomplish to further my creativity outside of work.
My goal, for the rest of my life, is to stop putting off ALL THE THINGS I want to do for enjoyment and self improvement - take those baby steps!
It's time to focus on what I want from this next phase in my life, regardless of the role others have in mind for me.
Time to start being 'more'.