Friday, August 24, 2012


Yesterday I was subjected to an alien invasion via an orifice - I was probed, I tell ya!

Of course, I agreed to it - signing all the appropriate documents. I bet you didn't know Alien invaders like to cover their asses by having you sign away liability.

Well, they do if they are part of the same network as the blood letting vampires over at Kaiser.

Yesterday was my upper endoscopy, which is where they send a hungry anaconda down your throat with humongous jaws that take bites out of your innards. They claim it is a 'scope' and that it is taking 'biopsies'.

Do I LOOK like I was born yesterday? They were stealing my DNA to make a Zombot (zombie robot) that looks like me. I know it is all part of some grand plan by Kaiser to create a breed of 'people' that don't get sick. The doctors are in on it, because they are all tired of dealing with whiny sickies and just want to take golf vacations on their yachts. Don't ask me how they play golf at sea, they just do!

They got me in there on the premise that a biopsy would confirm celiac. Why do they need 6 biopsies for that, huh? Right...they don't! I just know there are 6 Zombots of me growing in a petri dish in the Kaiser catacombs. I bet that snake left a parasite in me that will turn me into a zombie, starting the apocalypse so that all the unwell people will perish leaving healthy Zombots to inherit the earth.

All I can say is I hope these new Zombots didn't inherit my hair. I mean, they might be Zombots, but who wants to shuffle around with Medusa hair? Nobody, that's who.

So, Doctor Mengele the doctor told me to expect results in 1-2 weeks. Just enough time for the Zombots to mature and for me to transform and eat my family. Thanks...thanks a lot, Doc. I already have stomach pain, I can't imagine what havoc a thigh bone is going to cause as I try to digest that.

Really, this whole being sick thing and having only a vague idea of what it is just makes me want to buy a taser and zap the doctor every time they send me for another test.

*bzzzzt* How is THAT for "you might experience some discomfort",  Doc!

Alright, I'm done whining. I  need to go grocery shopping...I have a sudden urge for a rare steak.

p.s. I realize the terms I use for the folks that work at Kaiser is probably disrespectful - I mean it only from a humor standpoint. I have had only good experiences with their lab professionals, the doctors and nurses. Except once - just once there was a vampire who deserved a swift kick and a jolt from a taser.


  1. HubbyNoPants11:26 AM

    Recovery Nurse: All the folks here are great at inserting the IV

    AlientHost: Oh, "NurseSoandSo" did mine

    Recovery Nurse: Oh, except "NurseSoandSo"

    Me: ROFL

    1. I'm going back to find NurseSoandSo as soon as my pocket taser arrives from Amazon.

  2. Ugh. I hope you get good news out of this one, lady. In my experience of various intestinal-exploration/zombie-transmortification scopes, the best news is almost always 'we've discovered the problem and will never need to stick anything down your throat or up your ass ever again'. Followed by riotous cheers and/or The Zombie Shuffle. And maybe one retaliative zap with the taser. But only one. >:-}

  3. Good luck... I hope everything works out well....

  4. Maybe they're going to clone you. How awesome would THAT be???