Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Half as good......

Is it possible to give 110% effort on...um...anything? What about just 100%? 90%?

I witness people, many of whom are dear friends, who can totally devote themselves to something - stick with it, see it through, go the extra mile....{insert favorite saying here}.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my life and where it's heading now that I'm a college student. I have some projects to do and I start envisioning exciting things, but when it comes time to implement I get a bit overwhelmed with the 'doing' part of it and give in to my lazy side and just do half a job - 50%. That's me...Ms. 50% ( on a good day). I find that percentage applied to a lot of my life.

I had coffee with a friend today who is a teacher at my college. No longer a directionless serial job hopper, she's found her love of teaching and cannot imagine doing anything else, ever (and it's been 13 years already). Where is my love (other than my darling husband and children of course)....where is my desire? Where can I find it/buy it/borrow it...yes I'll even steal it....huh, where?

Today I toured a tutoring center at school to see if I could rack up some volunteer hours. The thought of helping ESL students is so enticing. I want to do good and help people build their self esteem and feel good about themselves. But then I start talking myself out of it, thinking that I don't know enough and how could I possibly help them?

How do these people who live life at 110% find the gumption to go forth and do - without succumbing to the fear of finding that you really are not a good 'doer'? Is that what keeps me moving through life with my head down and blinders on - fear? When I do participate in something, I go all balls...at first. Then I get bored or lazy or....something.

I have not figured it out yet, but lately I've been reflecting on my childhood and how it influenced the modern Alienbody. When I fail to follow through on a threat issued to my child or when I procrastinate doing something I don't want to do (but something that needs to happen) or when I tell myself that it's o.k. to do less than I wanted to do because doing more would be harder....then I pause and sigh and wonder when it will stop. At what point do I make the full metamorphosis from the cage of my past to the blank pages of my future? Perhaps the beginning is just realizing it. I still don't know how to fix me and I don't know if realizing is enough. But, it's all I've got for now.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes it may feel as if you're only doing 50%, but when I see what you do it looks like 100%! remember not all things need to be 100%-just what is important to you. And we always have those days anyway when we just can't do it all.