Monday, March 11, 2013

Guardedly Grateful

NaBloPoMo day 11 and I'm hanging on by the hair on my chinny chin chin!

It's been a pretty amazing month so far. Actually, I can pinpoint it down to a pretty amazing week.

Why has it been great? Because...

  1. I achieved a 28 pound weight loss.
  2. Having my big crazy idea post recognized by someone who could actually make that crazy idea a reality. 
  3. Having my red lipstick post featured on BlogHer and spread across the interwebz by readers and friends.
  4. Having a friend tell me that same post is worthy of submitting to BlogHer's Voices of the Year.
  5. Having a friend contact me about a potential part time job that sounds right up my alley. 

These may not seem like a big deal to some, but they are huge to me - especially 3 and 4. Specifically, because they involve something I created, so extremely personal. And, while #1 is awesome, it has left me pantsless, #2 still requires me to pitch my crazy idea (something I'm not entirely sure how to do) and #5 is just a matter of figuring out if it will work for both parties (fingers crossed).

I lead a wonderful life. I cannot tell you how fortunate I am to have the family, friends and lifestyle I have. I am astoundingly blessed.

But, those things I mentioned above? They come after a dry spell of feeling...well, like I've been in some cryogenic freeze waiting for that vague future that holds a cure for my inability to decide what I'd like to do with the rest of my life.

This past week made me feel charmed, as if I've rounded a bend and I'm now racing down the block with direction - actually knowing where I'm going. How could I not, with all those things happening at once. Weird, if you ask me.

So, it may not surprise you much to hear that I wonder if I'm dying.

I'll wait until you're done snorting and rolling your eyes at me.


Think about it:

Just before my thyroid cancer surgery and treatment I was --->this<--- close to getting my A.A. degree from a local community college. I wasn't entirely sure what career I was heading toward, but I was enjoying the process and thinking of the next step.

And now, two years layer, I'm still in a state of limbo. Not just limbo, but complete disinterest in going back to school. It's a funk that settled after surgery that hasn't lifted. I've tried crawling out of it, but I keep getting sucked in (much like being pulled into Hell by invisible Hell Hounds - I *may* have watched too many episodes of Supernatural with my daughter). I keep thinking I can do something creative, I've got at least a finger full of creativity in me. Then, I think..."Meh, not so much". This up and down is making me dizzy, which is hazardous when my thyroid medication already makes my head spiny sometimes. Weeee.....

It isn't just this situation. It's a lifetime of things going really well with opportunities waiting in the wings that just fizzled. So, when thrilling things happen, I start to wonder when that hammer is going to beat me back to reality.

Let's just say that I'm so thankful for everything that happened this week, especially after such a rocky start to the new year (that's a WHOLE other post). But, I'm guarded...and checking my body for strange lumps and bumps and marks...just in case.

 Come on, wouldn't you be skeptical, too? 
Have you ever felt like this?

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