Friday, January 18, 2013

Mutant Toast - Or, The Day The Wheat Attacked

People of Earth, you have NO. IDEA. what danger is lurking all around you.

I've been trying to warn you about the inevitable zombie apocalypse and I do believe some of you are starting to listen, thankfully....'cause I really don't want to fight them all by myself. When we hunker down in our bunker, please bring chocolate to share....oodles of it, preferably.

While I still think we need to keep an eye out for the shuffling dead, there is a new threat y'all are completely unaware of.


It's gonna kill us D.E.D.dead.

I'm reading Wheat Belly right now, something y'all need to do P.R.O.N.T.O. It's like a survival guide.

See, I can read between the lines of what this doctor/author is trying to tell us. He doesn't want to come right out and say it for fear of being made to disappear fined by our government for slander...or something. Because, I'm sure it is the government behind this plot to take over our minds via our food supply.  Well, GOV''s going to come back and bite you in the ass!  Apparently you ('cause I know Big Brother is watching me write this) haven't been watching any of the Resident Evil movies. Spoiler Alert - the zombies eat the very people that create them! The movies are on Netflix, have one of your agents get them ASAP and catch up, will ya? It's foreshadowing of what is going to happen to you, Big Brutha, if you don't change your evil ways.

For the rest of you non Gov't folk - The wheat the government is unleashing on us is deadly. It has the ability to change itself, thus changing its effect on our bodies - IT'S ALIVE and using its brain fog inducing narcotic-like properties to Take. Over. Our. Minds!!

Right now those modified little fuckers stocks, made heartier via genetic engineering, are sitting in fields all over the world plotting their attack on humanity. I'd say to arm yourself with Round-Up, but you know they've probably been made invincible to it...thanks a covert partnership with Big Brother and Monsanto - thanks, Government, you've just killed us all!

Flame throwers might work, but then you risk burning down the whole damn country in the process and, face it, some of y'all have trouble using those little lighters to light candles and should not be trusted with something that can shoot flames several feet.

This may be the time to ignore the advice of our mothers and arm ourselves with scissors & garden sheers - you may have to run with them when attempting to flee the invasion, just be careful. Our best defense will be to hack them into little pieces, burn their remains and then boil the ashes in acid. That should do it. Probably.

Oh, some might say that we should just stop eating wheat bread or anything containing wheat. Well, could...if you want to be a spoil sport and take all the fun out of planning for the apocalypse. Sheesh...every party has a pooper. I've been waiting a long time to open up a can of Whoop-Ass on something, don't take away my giddy.

Besides, those fields are alive...modifying their cell structure with every crop. They're going to lift their woody stems out of the ground and walk out of those pastures and into our cities, you just watch. I, for one, will be prepared, I'm going to buy up all the scissors and sheers I can find - I've been saving up my Michael's coupons, apocalypse planning can get spendy.

Don't be caught defenseless and don't say I didn't warn you.


  1. I'm picturing Ents and Trifids, except with wild golden beehive hairdos and slavering fangs... It makes for a kind of awesome visual, actually. I'll try to keep that in mind when I try to find one of the twelve pairs of scissors in my house that are never, ever in the drawer that they belong in. Come to think of it, maybe the wheat and the scissors are in cahoots!

    1. Yes, that is exactly what they look like! Little buggers....