Purging Roadblock

Word of The Day:  

Purge

Defined:  

1. to clear of imputed guilt or ritual uncleanliness.

2. to remove by cleansing or purifying (often followed by away, off,  or out )

I need to buy more hangers.

Which, is typically NOT a statement one makes after defining PURGE.

No, what a person typically does after defining the word PURGE is to actually do it! As in, get rid of stuff!

And I will, eventually. In fact, I already have gotten rid of lots while preparing for a remodel.

So, why the hangers?

It's...complicated.

While emptying my closet prior to the remodel I sorted clothes into KEEP  and YARD SALE piles. I had two lawn size garbage bags full of clothes I knew I'd never wear. Gone, baby, GONE!

And so, the clothing I wear regularly was hung up in the garage (my temporary closet) and the rest went into plastic storage bins.

Seven weeks later, my closet was done, and in went all the hanging items from the garage. I posted a picture of my pathetically empty closet on Facebook, joking that I'd need to go shopping to fill it up!

And then...

I remembered the 4 plastic storage bins full of clothes. Clothes that I don't wear, have never worn and...in all honesty...can't wear.

Yes, yes, we all hang on to our smaller clothes...this isn't anything unusual. It's just that I'm not holding on to size 4 jeans from my 20's. Good golly, I don't think I was EVER a size 4. Ever...perhaps when I was born. No, I'm holding on to large or XL tops from just a couple of years ago...tags still swinging from the sleeve, mocking me. Most of which don't fit me (o.k....all of them don't...fucking honesty...phooey).

And so, I unpacked each item and hung it up using a brand new 18 pack of hangers.

I still need more hangers.

Yup.

I need more hangers to showcase my failure to conquer the Pound Monster and put on display all my pretty blouses, like a princess locked in a high high tower, out of reach.

Many of these items were bought when they were just a smidgen too small and I was *this* close to losing that last 5 (ha...right, 15) pounds that would make it fit JUST right.

You've read about these women, that shop like that. Ha...I read about *them* too. Discovering you ARE one of them is just fucking obnoxious!

But, I can't get rid of them. I just can't. There are blouses in my closet that are EXACTLY what I was looking for when I was looking for it. You know how rare that is? To find a look/design/cut/fit you were searching for? It's like discovering Atlantis! The 'fit' part wold come later, after I lost those 5 (15) pounds...but I KNEW once I did, then it would look freakin' awesome on me!

The tags are still dangling from each and everyone of those buys.

After some health issues...and some lazy issues...and some funk issues and so on (I can whip up an excuse like a master chef whips up a chocolate mousse...I'm a pro), I no longer have just 5 (15) pounds to lose, it is more like 30 (60).

Yeah...you heard me right...and for the record, this whole being honest thing, that (60) may be a bit conservative.

Denise over at BlogHer inspired me to write this post, because her own post about purging showed up at the exact time I started hanging 'the some day' clothes. 

I started thinking about all the sentimental things I could get rid of, but tip-toed around my clothing. I can't look at those pretty, frilly pieces of self-esteem and think about letting them go. I need them (or so I think) as inspiration. Some would argue that keeping them is a reminder of what I've yet to achieve...a failure, perhaps. They'd be right, ya know. It is a reminder. But still...I can't let them go.

If I say good-bye to the clothing I can't wear, then I feel as if I've given up on myself. That where I am right now is where I'm always going to be. I just can't live with that, right now.

So, I keep them...all of them...and set my sights on other things. And make a trip to Target for more hangers.

I'll revisit this again, in the future, the one where I overcome this paralysis and move forward, either by getting fit or getting a grip.

I recommend you click the link above to read about Denise's own purging journey and, maybe??, write your own?


p.s. - Disclaimer - the writer of this post makes no claim that the logic used is sound and or rational. You should know that logic and rationality often fail to show up to this party. Kthxbai.