Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Betwitxt & Between or Stuck in the Middle Muck

My 13 year old daughter has been awake for nearly 3 1/2 hours today, this being her first day back from a 9 day vacation with a friend’s family, and I'm ready to send her back to Hawaii.

Her talents are vast, the most impressive of which is to turn me from perky and chipper to monster-troll-crankypants mom in a phenomenally short number of seconds.

I have buttons, she knows how to push them - nothing new there in the mom/daughter relationship department.

But that isn't the reason for this post, my second if the day - it's that kind of day.

The introspective snarky mood that I've slipped into has me wondering, yet again, where the hell to go with all this blogging.

I took time off school to recover from surgery to remover a cancerous thyroid. That was Oct. 2010. The treatment for the cancer was super short, but the adjustment to medication has been slow. My brain STILL feels muddled.

However, I'm starting to wonder if the 'muddled' feeling is all in my head. Ha...pun not originally intended, but lucky works.

I have been at a junction of indecision for years, not knowing what sort of career to choose now that I have so many options open to me.

The more I read other blog, the more I doubt my own ability to write...well...anything.

I know i need more education, but in what?

What is my knack, my niche, my talent?

I'm great at questioning myself, but when trying to figure out what to do about it - I just stare doe-eyed into the oncoming headlights. Thump-thump...Alienbody = Roadkill.

Office work? Oh, just shoot me.

Retail? Shoot me AND then feed me to the fishies.

Physical labor? No need to shoot me, I'll just keel over at the first sign of sweat.

Doctor, lawyer, politician, computer programmer? I'll spare humanity my ineptitude.

So, really...reading between the lines and peering through the smoke and mirrors really shows a woman who is afraid to make a move.

I've done a lot of things where I've jumped in feet first, but this seems just so overwhelming.

I keep waiting for that one sign that I'm on the right path - that one person to say to me, "Wow, you are great at (bleeep) and you should pursue a career in (bleeep)."

It hasn't come.

And, if it were to come it is entirely likely I wouldn't believe them.

Confidence and i have not been on speaking terms in, old am I?? Oh, yea...NEVER.

So, instead of doing something, I keep writing about my inability to figure out what to do.

Really...even I don't want to listen to me any more. Even I'm starting to roll my eyes at the pondering/questioning/woa-is-me-who-has-no-clue mentality that I've slipped into.

I guess the first thing to do is get back in the saddle and finish my AA degree (only a few more units...I'm so close).

Then take the next baby step and figure out a major.

That's when the anxiety starts again...M.A.J.O.R.

Ack...(oh we go again...)

1 comment:

  1. Gah, you sound like me. Somehow in college I ended up in Mass Cmmunications, Photography and Political Science... then about 8 credit hours before I was finished I left and went to a dog training school. Lately I've been playing with the idea of going back for early childhood, or medical stuff. That's in between dreaming of becoming a famous writer or maybe an etsy shop owner, or maybe... I haven't a clue which ride to commit too and no one else will tell me either. <3