Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Woman Formerly Known As......Me.

Metamorphosis is a spectacular thing. Stick with whatever definition you like, but for me it is.... becoming. A metamorphosis is 'a becoming': a fuzzy, awkward caterpillar becomes a graceful butterfly or your beautiful baby becomes a toddler, then a teenager, a woman, a wife....a mother. Always becoming.

I expected that at the age of 40 I would be done with my 'becoming'.

Apparently, I didn't get the memo from myself that I was just beginning.

I began my recent phase a year ago by becoming a college student. A step that I had always longed to take, but never really thought I would. A year later I'm still in a flux, not sure what I want to do with this education I'm working so hard for. It's wonderful to be moving toward something, but the feeling is incomplete without a direction for that forward momentum. I may never really find it and that very idea is growing on me little by little. To always be 'becoming', you need to be in a constant state of's not a conscious process, it just happens. To stop seeking could mean stagnation. I've been there, it totally sucked and I'd like my money back! But seriously, to always be evolving means you are open to change and all of it's glorious and frightening possibilities.

What is interesting is how many of my friends are going through the same thing.. Could it be that our kids are going through the dreaded teen transformation and we are now left with more time to explore that part of life we put off to be mom? Yes, I think it could. Of course, that is merely a part of it. The other factors that are causing this mass metamorphosis are personal, individual and unique to each of us. But the fact remains that we ARE changing, all of us...together we are becoming.

It's funny, whenever I sit down to journal (a.k.a blog in more modern speak) I have all of these thoughts and ideas that I want to include, but by the time I've put the first few ideas into words I start getting caught up in the details, the words I'm using to paint the picture of my thoughts, the spelling, the grammar...I lose track of what I want to say! This is yet another one of those times. I wanted to include more of my thoughts on my project to gain more control over my body, what real beauty is and then finally, why we really don't know ourselves as well as we think we do....but all of these topics will have to wait until the next update.

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