When one volunteers for something, the expectation is that you get in, serve your purpose and get out. The 'purpose' one serves varies from collecting food for the needy on Thanksgiving, to dishing out turkey on Christmas to holding preemies in neonatal units.
I told myself that I needed to do something and the 'thing' I was drawn to was the role of an advocate for the YWCA's rape crisis center. My thought process was that I would be there to answer the hot line for those in need of an ear to holding a hand during a rape exam.
I'm down with that.
With training, it sounds simplistic enough. Ha....yea, not so much.
The specter of doubt has moved from the shadowy corner to a nice comfy perch on my shoulder.
Doubt is whispering in my ear that I'm not worthy.
Doubt is telling me that the 400 hours of information they are packing into a mere 40 is too much for me to remember.
At one point tonight, I actually shut down for a few minutes. The speaker sounded like an adult from a Charlie Brown cartoon...waaaawhuu wawhhuuuhuhh....YUP, that's what I heard!
It honestly never occurred to me how much I'd REALLY need to know when I'm on the phone with a woman/child/man who has been assaulted.
How much I'd really need to know to identify their need.
How much I'd really need to know to talk them out of ending their life.
And in the next instant, when I'm hearing a of an actual case being handled at the YWCA that seems like it was made for a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode (something you may think couldn't possibly be real)....I think, how can I not do this?
I can't shake Doubt. That bastard is stuck to me like glue.
The problem, as I see it, is that whether I quit or continue......Doubt will always be with me in some way. So I rationalize that if I stick with it and gain experience, then while Doubt will never go away completely, I will actually be taking back some Power and Control.
Hmmm.....sounds a lot like what I hope to give back to the survivors I will be talking to.
So it sounds like I need to make room in my life for Doubt, cause it appears we are gonna be BFF's.
We all have doubt-we give in to it all the time-sometimes it even makes us stronger and try new things. You will get it and you will make some mistakes, but you will be one of the best volunteers ever! It sounds so hard, so intense but I think in the end it's ok to have doubt-it makes us all work harder.
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