Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Fearing Divinity

There is a hole. This hole started out as a pinprick, maybe even smaller. Over the years it's expanded and, like a black hole in space, has started to overtake it's surroundings by swallowing up anything in it's path. This hole is buried somewhere deep inside ME! Imagine my shock and horror to find that this void cannot be filled with food! Now, that just ain't right. I'm a damn engineer when it comes to constructing food to patch breeches in the containment wall. Throwing chocolate at the hole only makes my butt bigger, it does nothing for the hole!

The reason for this whole hole discussion is because of the book I'm reading, Eat Pray Love. Now, this isn't an extraordinary work of literature and it isn't a spiritual guide to the's just the story of one woman's journey to find God and add him to her speed dial. She's a believer and her year long pilgrimage to 3 countries in pursuit of the magic stairway to heaven is a bit thought provoking. I'm not a believer. So, why am I reading this book? Well, first of all because it was given to me and I've heard so many great things about it. That's why I
started reading it. But, when it got into all this GOD talk and the authors desperate attempts to connect with him/her...well, I started to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. I had little reason to fear, since the author is sane, down to earth and just hilarious. She (the author) also isn't preachy (o.k...maybe a little bit, but ANYONE who believes in God seems preachy to me). I find that as a wannabe atheist, I can read this book and not roll my eyes at her descriptions of her yearning and meditation. In fact, I'm seeing a bit of myself in her. Well...honestly (because that is what this damn blog is about, honesty) I find A LOT of myself in her.

I do not want a connection to God. I don't even want to believe in God. Still, something is missing and all signs point to that big, dark hole where some form of Faith should exist.

I don't mean Christianity, or
Catholicism or Judaism. I mean something that when you focus on it warms you from the inside and brings you peace. What I want is what people with faith have, without having to involve a deity of sorts.

Where does one start with such a demanding request? I can't just knock on the door of my local church and say "Hey, I'm looking for inner peace and tranquility, can you please advise me? And oh, by they way, I'm not into the whole man upstairs thing."

Where to you go when you can't quiet your mind or your fears AND not have to hear about how God will provide the answer? I've ALWAYS believed that I have the power to control my destiny and regardless of my dysfunctional past, feel that I...not my past... determine my future. In other words, I don't sit and blame my parents for every fault (although, they did have a lot to do with it). Really, I'm an adult and the blame stops with me.

What I seek is a connection to the universe and the tranquility that comes with immersing myself in the here and the now. Yup, that metaphysical
mumbo jumbo stuff. I want that. I know it's weird. But I feel as if I have so much garbage swilling around in my brain that I cannot draw from the energy that radiates from the Earth (and there is Energy, even Scientist agree on that). I cannot draw on the energy that radiates from the love my friends feel for me or the energy that oozes from the love my family has for me.

The conclusion I've come to is that I need a sort of spiritual advisor. Ugh...I said it. Words I never, EVER thought I'd utter. But, I need it. I do. I need to find the spirituality in me that I can
consciously live with, that won't go against my non-belief in an Almighty. Some might call this Therapy and well, maybe they are right. Maybe that is ultimately what I need. But while therapy might quiet the demons of my past, I can't help but feel that it won't board up the hole.

So, back to square one. Where does one find a non-religious spiritual advisor?

1 comment:

  1. Wow! I'm so impressed you were able to put into words how I feel. I am SO ready to find peace and tranquility.
    I've even gone so far (gasp!) as opening the door to the man (woman? being? spirit? feelin?) upstairs. My background didn't give me much to go on in that dept., but now I find I'm seeking answers, but allowing myself a bit of faith. I'm on the journey.