Comfort Zone

I am a walking contradiction. I live within my comfort zone, yet lament the fact that I don't break out of the rut and explore more of what life has to offer me. I subconsciously make myself invisible and shrink from the limelight, yet crave attention (a.k.a the occasional wolf whistle) and affirmation. Yet, kudos and praise make me feel uncomfortable. I'm even uncomfortable lavishing it on someone else, maybe because I'm afraid they will return the favor. Often, I just feel that whatever I've done to merit the praise isn't really that extraordinary.

I told myself that when I lost weight, I'll go back to school. I feel as if I live life in a When/Then world. WHEN I lose weight, THEN I will (fill in the blank). WHEN I get my degree, THEN I will (fill in the blank). There are many, many blanks waiting to be filled in. This is a comfort zone. If I don't lose the weight, then I won't have to face a classroom of people who think I'm fat. Yes, I'm adult enough to know that they have far more important things to think about than me. Yet, it's still there, in the back of my mind. If I don't go back to school, then I won't have to face the dilemma of choosing a new career and facing the anxieties of re-entering the workforce.

I don't promote eliminating the comfort zone, because we all need to live there from time to time. Yet, I think it wise to push the boundaries of that safe place to really see what's out there. By going back to school, I feel that I'm expanding those walls and removing the cloak of invisibility, slowly...like a striptease. I'm standing on the stage, peeling off the layers of doubt to eventually expose, underneath it all, the real me!