Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Why My Head Exploded...

Life just wouldn't be all that interesting without adding a good hearty dose of crazy every once in awhile.  We all need to shake things up, turn our world upside down and live an existence, albeit perhaps only for a short time, that is something other than our norm.

No, I'm not getting deep and philosophical, I'm talking about a home remodel.

Hubbypants and I made a deal with the Devil last night (not really, our contractor is a super great guy - this is purely figurative). We made a pact to hand him oodles of cashola in exchange for creating a larger master bathroom that will allow me to move around in the space without having to keep my elbows and arms tucked in at all times and...AND...a shower that is larger than a telephone booth (for those of you that remember telephone booths - do they even exist anymore?).

AND...get this...we'll have His and Her closets. That's what I'm talkin' about, right thar!

When phase one is all done, the crew will overhaul our second (hall) bathroom. It's going to be like getting a new house - after the shitstorm of demolition and work, that is.

My family survived the Kitchen Remodel of '07 by the hairs on our chinny-chin-chin. I suppose, if we were smart folk, we would have saved that kitchen remodel for now and done the bathrooms earlier.


Well, now we have a teenage daughter. And for those of you who think this answer incomplete, let me explain: Ms. Almost 14 has claimed the hall bathroom space as hers. She marks her territory with hot implements, sticky gels, environment killing sprays and bits of DNA in the form of strands of hair that when collected into a pile resemble a small (and very disturbing) critter. The pool of chemicals that hair is exposed to could possibley animate it, causing it to reproduce and create an army of zombie hairballs! Could happen, you don't know....What???

For an estimated 12ish weeks, we'll be sharing ONE bathroom. Uno, as in singular. The idea isn't so bad with smaller children, but shower loving teenagers who drain every drop of hot water from the tank during 2 hour showers? OY!  This project better be worth it. **It isn't really 2 hours, but when you have to pee and a teenager is hogging the bathroom it FEELS like 2 hours.**

Now, this project is going to affect our master bedroom and living-room. Which means, furniture needs to be moved (and/or sold). I'm all for selling! New space, new furniture...right? Otherwise it just doesn't 'look' right. Don't tell Hubbypants about this plan yet, he's still reeling from the dollar amount on the contract. Shhhh....

I badgered the contractor into giving me a best case scenario demolition date, meaning: When do I need to be moved out of those affected areas?  Of course, being the nice man that he is, he pushed back by asking when I think I could be out - "How much time do you need?", he says.

Bwahahahahaha....(deep breath)...bwahahahahahahaha

You see, he doesn't know me very well yet or know how adept I am at procrastination (F.Y.I. Olympic Gold Medal adept), so I push back and force the poor man into giving me a hard construction start date. I never learn.

"Two weeks", says the man.

This is best case, unlikely to happen, scenario. But, while I am so very good at procrastination, I am equally efficient when you light a fire under my ass. I do work well(ish) under pressure...occasional melt downs and tantrums aside.

So, I've got two weeks (or more, but don't tell my Procrastination side) to clean out closets, bookcases and rearrange furniture and figure out where to put everything in my not so large 1,600+ sq. ft. house. No, I do not want to rent a storage unit - think thrifty, call ms Ms. Scrooge, but I'm trying not to spend any more dimes than necessary.

I'm a little freaked out, I 'm a whole lot excited and I have absolutely NO IDEA where to start. Lucky for us we have a block sale coming up next month that will allow me to *hopefully* sell a bunch of stuff, since this is prime opportunity to purge and reduce the amount of crap we have. I feel lighter already!

If you've lived through such an experience, then by all means share your tips. If you haven't, then by all means leave a sympathy filled comment about our upcoming plight.

I've got lists to make...shower faucets to pick out...where the HELL are we going to put that 8' bookcase and a couch that seats 10?? 

p.s. - Then my head exploded.
p.p.s. - Never fear, I'll be back with before & after pictures.
p.p.p.s. - And probably during, especially if the work crew is hawt and they get hot and take off their shirts and stuff...
p.p.p.p.s. - Shhhh...don't tell hubbypants. 
p.p.p.p.p.s. - Now Hiring: Person to do all of the moving and rearranging and enforcing bathroom access of the SINGULAR bathroom so that I can sit back and blog, while eating bonbons and drinking whipped cream topped coffee.
p.p.p.p.p.p.s. - Anyone?
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. - Hello, is this thing on?


  1. Anonymous9:31 AM

    Ooooooh, would that person you're hiring get to be a BOSS-TYPE person? Like, "Get out of that bathroom NOW or I'm coming in, and if you think I won't you have another think coming!" boss? Like, "Ummm, fellas, it's maaaaaahhhhty waaaaaarm up in he-yah, dontchay'all thanks? How caaaaaaaan you work in all those clothes?" boss?

    (I may, just may, be auditioning for the role.)

    A. stands for Actually Pretty Good at That Bossing Thing

  2. Why, yes...this person would be a BOSS-TYPE person, but would hold no power over moi and would ignore the fact that I too like 2 hour long, extremely hot, showers. This person would also control the thermostat to the heater...iffin' ya know what I mean.

    1. Anonymous12:14 PM

      Well, obviously adults are exempt from the 2-hour shower rule. Though I might still let myself in if the need to pee is strong enough. Just sayin'.


    2. Oh, and in case the door is locked? No worries, we have one of those locks that you poke a pin into and it pops open. That should cut down the shower time fo'shizzle.

  3. 1) Doesn't hubbypants read your blog? I'm just saying.
    2) I offer myself up for taking any and all books off of your hands AS long as they are death virus free.
    3) Still Jealous I am.

    1. We'll just pretend he doesn't read that part. He'll be the hawtest one around anyway, but he's mine. I'll be sure to ask the books whether they are carrying a virus. You should probably worry if I believe they answer.

    2. If they answer then they most likely have a virus! (I speak from experience here)

  4. Oh gosh, good luck! Home renovation SUCKS. Not that I just finished it or anything. Ugh. Luck luck luck

    1. They do suck, but oy the joy when they are done! Can't wait!

  5. Holy hell! I mean... HOORAY FOR YOU!!! I actually don't have a closet. My husband has a closet AND a dresser, and I just have a dresser. Mostly because his clothes are much bigger than mine and take up more room, but you can see how bizarre that is. I am super-jealous of your remodel and can't wait to see the pics! Also? I had to share a bathroom with my two small children for two weeks during our main floor bathroom remodel last summer. Had someone offered? I would have sold them. Cheap.

    Sending good reno vibes your way!

    1. I know, right?!?!? I've shared the hall bathroom with my kids since they were born, I'm way...way...UBER...beyond that now. Oy. And, the only reason I said small kids were easier is because they don't take massive amounts of time primping in the mirror like my daughter - or, at least, most don't! ;-)

  6. I'm sorry.. I got stuck at the "shower bigger than a telephone booth" part, started day dreaming about what that little slice of heaven would possibly be like and the rest of the post is a bit of a blur.

    1. I'll be perfectly frank - I have not been showering in the master bath all these years. I've been using the hall bathroom, which I share with the kids - it's just so much more roomy! These homes built in the 50's were just too tiny!

  7. You are hilarious. I love the 'surviving the remodel' but it scares me...we are thinking of starting soon and the horrors I hear about the process make me think I should just sit down and shut-up! I try to tell myself in the long run, blah blah blah, but then I think about cooking in a microwave in the living room for God knows how long...and I just cringe.

  8. Yes remodeling of home is not a easy work to do it takes a lot of time and money also.So assign this work to a company which providing best remodeling services at affordable price.Thanks for sharing.