Thursday, April 05, 2012

Medusa, Spider Legs and Mornings Suck

 I'd like it to be known that I am at peace with most things involving ante meridiem (a.k.a. A.M., as in morning time), preferably when it has nothing earlier than an 11 in front of it. And, I'm equally as tolerant of it when there is a 2 in front of it, provided I'm crawling INTO bed at that time and not OUT of bed.

And so, you can imagine my displeasure when I wake up at 2:30 (in the A.M.) with not even the slightest ability to fall back to sleep.

Wide. Ass. Awake. That was me.

I went to bed after 11 P.M., and it took roughly half an hour of counting semi-nekkid underwear models jumping hurdles to finally fall asleep (you can count sheep if you want, but holy guacamole have an imagination, USE IT). Needless to say I was rather distressed to find myself so freakin' awake after only 3 hours of sleep! The angst level in my head was approaching level orange after calculating how soon 4am would roll around (f.y.i. it is only an hour and a half, in case you don't want to do the math) which is when I'd need to get out of bed to wake up my son for a school trip (he needed to be at school at 5 A.M. - another asinine hour. Really, who invented this early morning shit, I'd kind of like to stab them right now).

So, after an hour of tossing and turning, I slunk out of bed at 3:30 to read on the couch. This wasn't boding well for the rest of my day. But, don't fret dear reader...all was not lost! I delivered my son to school at 5 AM on the dot - which I the coming to a full and complete stop, after which I helped carry his travel gear to the classroom. I decided to ixnay my original idea of just slowing down and having him do a jump/dive/tuck/roll maneuver from my moving vehicle. I am the first to admit that making plans while sleep deprived isn't the best way to earn a parent of the year award. But, honestly, all I could think of was getting back home to catch another hour of zzzzz's before waking up again to do the whole thing over with the girl child.

I also had coffee plans with a friend so I couldn't sleep the morning away and needed to make myself as presentable as possible to the world. When that failed, I went with plan B, which was to  let my hair go natural, a look that would make Medusa jealous and apply enough under eye concealer to mortar together a 3 story brick building. I also applied copious amounts of mascara, making it look as if I had spider legs sprouting from my eyelids. The whole effect is rather disturbing, but keeps people from asking if you are feeling o.k. because you look so tired. Mostly they're just too scared to talk to you. 

But, all of that was oodles of hours ago, which my body has interpreted to week, and now my eyes are getting all googly and my brain is starting to get squishy. So, of course, it makes perfect sense as to why I'd be suddenly struck with an epiphany. I now know WHY I couldn't sleep. You will be just as amazed and will most likely want to take immediate action to protect yourself.

I think the culprit is...the Sandman.

Yup, you heard it here first. I think the Sandman is tired of his job and is ready to retire. I believe he's devised a nefarious plan to withhold sleep dust and turn us all into zombies. Zombies don't sleep, they just roam and roam and roam. Makes perfect sense, does it not!! (it wasn't a question, OF COURSE it makes sense...especially if you go without sleep tonight and come back and read this me)

The only way to fight this menace is to implement a global nap-time. It is imperative that we spread the word, quickly...I can already feel myself slipping into a zombie-like state.  How do I know? Because I'm too unmotivated to get up and make myself more coffee OR raid the chocolate stash and I had bacon for breakfast. See...craving meat! Next I'll start eyeballing the cats as appetizers (which, Hubbypants won't mind so much because they constantly piss him off and I doubt he'd miss them)!

This is a CODE R.E.D. emergency!

It is probably too late for me, but you can save yourselves and avoid an apocalyptic disaster...20 minutes, that's all it will take. Everyone just cozy up on the couch or in your computer chair or pull your car off to the side of the road...whatever it takes to catch a few zzzzz's.

You can save the planet, one snooze at a time.

Good bye world full of people that are not yet zombies and who are probably very delicious...I'll do my best not to try and eat you!

p.s. - No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog, mostly because I don't think that as zombie I'd want to eat anything that would give me a giant hairball.

p.p.s. - No, you may NOT interpret the previous post script to be anything naughty. Geeze, people...really???

p.p.p.s. - Stop reading and start napping, you are not missing anything...I swear.

p.p.p.p.s. - O.k. well, yes you are...'cause I'm not done. So if you stopped reading then you won't know about the party I'm throwing at my house, like right now...with free bacon.

p.p.p.p.p.s. Boy, I really...really...REALLY...need a nap.


  1. This is the best case for adult naps I have EVER EVER seen!!
    I'm so going to bed right now. (What, it's after 5 here!!)

    1. I know, right? I can you argue with saving the human race from zombiefied destruction? You. Just. Can't!! Thank you, Laine, for doing your part. <3

  2. Anonymous9:17 PM

    I woke up today without an alarm at 5 today for NO REASON! You don't think it's hereditary do u? Luv u v

  3. I can haz nap nao?