Sunday, July 17, 2011

Of Cocoons and Butterflies

I'm not a gregarious outgoing person who easily makes friends.

I'm a sit back and watch kind of person.

But, I've also always been highly adventurous - eager to explore, never afraid to do/try anything new.

So, I'm wondering where this desire to cocoon inside my house has came from?

I sort of don't wanna do nutin'.

That isn't the me I used to know and love.

This me is rather quickly becoming a big stick in the mud.

It dawned on my that I was slipping into a mushroom sort of existence (meaning, rarely venturing out of my dark house unless absolutely necessary) during a conversation with my wonderful aunt & step-grandma.

We were reminiscing on how great my grandfather was at keeping in touch with family, no matter how far flung.

He made every possible effort to call and attend events or celebrations regardless of how far he needed to travel.

Family was first and foremost to him.

I didn't inherit that gene. Well, the keeping in touch part, since family is still extremely important to me.

I would LOVE to stay in touch with people, but I just never seem to do it. Not just family, but friends.

I have wonderful friends, truly fabulous people that I love spending time with.

I just get blocked when it comes to reaching out and making plans.

For most of my life I've been of the mindset that if people really wanted to spend time with me then they'd make contact.

Roll your eyes all you want at that logic, I'm even doing it, but it's true. For the sake of keeping this blog honest, I need to come clean. It is NOT vanity that has me wanting people to come to me, it's insecurity.

I'm smart enough to know that the only way to build connections is if each party works at it. I've had many successful connections and have formed some great friendships. But, it's the failed attempts that stick out most in my mind, as is typical with me. And thinking of those failed attempts can inhibit me from reaching out, thinking that I'll be brushed off again. I realize how 'high school' this sounds, but old habits are hard to break.

So, if I'm smart enough to know it takes two, then you'd think I'd be smart enough to know that it is a long term commitment that requires constant vigilance.

I that is.

I just don't do it - the vigilance thing.

But, I've been very introspective lately and I'm expending lots of brain power (you smell something burning??) on this whole situation.

You are no doubt groaning internally (or very audibly) about the turn my blog is taking. Don't mood shifts and creativity hiccups are always short lived. I'm sure I'll be back to snark in no time.

Back to the contemplative Melissa - so, I've been thinking a lot more about my relationships and how to break my mold.

I'm going to reach out to those friends that I miss very much and try to mend the feelings that absence creates. I'm going to make time for them, they are worth it. I'm going to tap into that internal social butterfly...I'm sure I've got one in here somewhere.

I make no promises for an immediate turn around. Baby-steps, ya know?

And I'm going to try and keep this self-evaluation stuff to a minimum. It's just so exhausting.

Maybe putting all this in today's blog will unblock the snarky-humorous side of me again.

We can only hope.

Oh...and don't put too much thought into the title - Of Cocoons & Butterflies. I honestly don't know where this stuff comes from sometimes...{eye roll}.


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