Sunday, May 21, 2006

Hairless Alien

I've decided that it might not be so bad being inhabited by an alien. I'm now in deep negotiations with my invader, hoping to convince it to take me back to the mother ship. I'm hoping the ship has some sort of time travel whatchamacallit that will allow me to return to Earth in the future, say..I after they have perfected hair removal. And not just ANY hair removal, I'm talking bikini hair removal.

Now, if you are a Star Trek/Stargate/Dr. Who Fan (and you know who you are, so I won't bother explaining to anyone else), then you might want to take this opportunity to mosey along to the next blog, because this is all about "the hair down there" and what a freakin' pain it is. It is not, I repeat NOT about real space/time travel (geeze).

Now we call it BIKINI Waxing. O.k. there is no flippin' way that I'm wearing a bikini and you really should applaud what a humanitarian act of kindness that is for EVERYONE involved. Also, it's not some spa thing you do on a sunny afternoon. It's downright torture. You want a way to pry information out of someone, then waxing is the way to go.

However, despite how few people will actually be seeing my 'bikini' area, I am apparently expected to maintain it as if I were going to be giving regular viewings. Let me backtrack a bit. The only gauge I have is my husband. This is where you shake your head sadly and pity me. Anywhoooo, I don't really discuss this with my girlfriends ( it's mostly period talk with us...but that will be another blog you CAN'T WAIT for that one). So, again...the only gauge I have is that my husband gets all giddy when I've tidied up a bit. Do NOT ask for details, but I would like to understand why it's such a turn on for him, when it's such a fricking chore for me. Take tonight for example. I climb into the shower for a quick clean up. I'm taking the chicken way out and I'm just going to shave...a little bit, just a little. However, I decide this AFTER I'm already in the shower. Noticing that the length of the hair is freakishly long, I decide that I need to use the small scissors first, in order to avoid excessive clogging of the dual blades on the razor. At that point I go searching (naked and dripping wet) for my small scissors and a fresh head on the razor. Neither of these things were intended for use in the shower. But I disregard common sense in my quest to be smooth(ish). So I climb back in and proceed to VERY carefully trim a little excess length off my pubic area. Some time later I'm ready to start the shaving portion. This is an event. I'm not kidding. The amount of time I spend in my shower doing this borders on ridiculous. It takes so long that I'm afraid the water company is going to come pounding on my door telling me that San Jose has run out of hot water and that they found a huge mound of hair in the sewer line to my house that is about the equivalent of a small domestic animal. Really, Sasquatch would be proud. I'm just glad that I can blame all the drain back-up's to old pipes! Image Where was I , oh I'm starting the shaving portion. I swear, I'm in the shower for a good 20 minutes JUST focusing on this task. I then have to move on to the under arms and legs (we won't discuss the upper lip). At this very moment I feel that I am the only woman on the planet that goes through these humiliating rituals. I mean, I shave my legs in the morning and I swear by that very night that I have a 5 o'clock shadow. My hair just grows really fast....everywhere. Am I alone?

So, what I'm really hoping is that if I allow myself to be whisked off into space and travel into the future, that I'll return to find that we truly are Hairless Apes and that a method has been perfected to cleanse us of this pesky hair so that we can be done with it once and for all. I know that there are other methods of hair removal. They are just either too painful, expensive or embarrassing. So, I guess I will have to continue using an obscene about of water during my quarterly tidy and dealing with the itchy-scratchy razor bumps. Sigh.......................Alien, take me away!!!!

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